Fun With the Bible

Do you live your life according to the Bible? Do you think the Bible doesn’t contradict it’self? Do you know someone that works on Sundays? You better kill the fucker or God will get very mad at you and possibly have to send you to hell for eternity!

From the good book written by our Lord and God, Exodus 35:2

For six days work may be done, but on the seventh day you shall have a holy day, a sabbath of complete rest to the LORD; whoever does any work on it shall be put to death.

Nope, that totally doesn’t contradict anything else written in the Bible eh? I love it when people say lines like “the bible is the word of God and doesn’t contradict it’self”. If the bible really was the word of God, why:

a) would he be using the language of mere mortals? shouldn’t he be using some perfect mothod of communication, fit only for the gods?

b) would there be *any* flaws in what he said? God is supposed to be perfect, so anything he says should be perfect as well, meaning no contradictions.

c) would he need humans to do his bidding? if God is as powerful as people claim him to be, then he should surely be fully capable of killing heathens himself, right?

Incase you didn’t catch the bit about contradiction, I’ll highlight an onscure passage from the good book, in fact, the exact same chapter as the sunday quote; Exodus 20:13:

You shall not murder.

I guess this is one of those gray areas where we just gotta use out best judgement and instead, kill people when we feel like it or something. Since clearly murder is an action condoned by God himself when people blashpeme.

Morality Didn’t Exist Prior To The Christian Bible

After seeing that garbage debate on CNN about atheism in America I was just about ready to punch my TV in hopes that the asshole on their “panel” would feel it. There were two main things that pissed me off about the trash that they were spouting.

  1. Atheists apparently don’t believe in anything.
  2. If you don’t believe in God/Bible you have no morals.

Bible Is Morality

Both these points are so wrong it disgusts me. What the hell makes these idiots think I don’t believe in anything? Oh, right cause I don’t believe in what they believe in, clearly means I don’t believe in anything. Right. I guess that makes a lot of sense according to their twisted logic since, they also claimed that 97% of the US is Christian; totally false. Here we are

According to the 2001 American Religious Identification Survey (discussed below), 80% of the U.S. is Christian and 15% adhere to no religion or are Atheist/Agnostic

Awww, look at that, I guess you were completely wrong. 15% of 300,000,000 is 45,000,000. Yes, that’s right, 45 million Americans that do not believe in your god(s).

What do I believe in? I believe in truth, an end to lies, an end to hate and an end to intolerance. We are all humans and should all be treated equally. But I guess that doesn’t actually count as anything since.. you know, I’m an atheist.

Next on their agenda, the bit that if you don’t believe in god or the bible, which means you have no morals. This point has been repeated so many times I honestly don’t think anyone has ever even stopped to think about what they’re saying. The implication was that the bible invented human morality; this is beyond laughable. Not only that, but how about the fact that the bible does not actually teach morality?! I’ve never met anyone that believes every story in the bible has good moral value and can be used as moral teaching material.

Let’s take the story of Abraham for example.. if we were to try and pull morals from the story it would have to be something like this: If God tells you to kill your son, don’t question it, just do it. You will be rewarded for your actions.

Fan-fucking-tastic. So all those news stories of the insane mother that thought God ordered her to make a human sacrifice chose to throw her three children into San Francisco Bay were justified, since the bible taught these amazingly moral values, right?! NICE.

So anyway, back to our topic, we clearly cannot take every story in the bible as being good for use in our moral teachings, then how do we know what’s good to use and what’s not? Oooooooh, right.. we use our already existing moral sense to pick and choose the good stories from the bad! So basically, the bible is just something people use to justify their garbage beliefs, like say.. hating gays or killing people who disagree. How many bible thumpers have you seen give away all their possessions and lead a life dedicated to serving the poor and needy? Ted Haggard certainly didn’t, Pat Robertson certainly didn’t, so clearly the teachings of Jesus have no positive moral values, since they choose to not use them in their own lives. You might just say they used their own sense of morality (or in these two cases, greed since their moral values are just about null, self gain is number one) to pick what dictates their morals, which means the bible is effectively good for nothing.

So what is the bible good for? Fire-paper perhaps?

10 Signs You’re a Fundamentalist Christian

Top 10 Signs You’re a Fundamentalist Christian

10 – You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 – You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 – You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 – Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and trees!

6 – You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 – You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 – You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects – will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.”

3 – While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.

2 – You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 – You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history – but still call yourself a Christian.

Not a Christian? Off To Jail With you!

Who cares what you think! Us Christians know better than you, if you disagree, we’ll throw you in the slammer for a year! What? Con-sti-tu-tion? What the fuck is that? No no, I don’t care about some stupid old paper that says you’re allowed to believe in your own religion, I’m right, and I’m the decider..  now.. off you go!

Here’s a sweet law that I bet you didn’t know about.. It’s illegal to not accept Jesus Christ as your lord. Yup. This is what you call freedom in America.

Section 36. Whoever wilfully blasphemes the holy name of God by denying, cursing or contumeliously reproaching God, his creation, government or final judging of the world, or by cursing or contumeliously reproaching Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, or by cursing or contumeliously reproaching or exposing to contempt and ridicule, the holy word of God contained in the holy scriptures shall be punished by imprisonment in jail for not more than one year or by a fine of not more than three hundred dollars, and may also be bound to good behavior.