Masturbation is THE DEVIL!!!

March 2nd, 2008 | Categories: Funny Stuff, Stupidity | Tags: , , , , , ,

 Are you a Mormon? Perhaps you’re just a Christian, or maybe just religious. Well, there’s something you should know..  masturbation is pure evil, don’t do it and don’t associate with people who do.

Overcoming Masturbation

Masturbation is a quickly-forming habit that can adversely affect both men and women of all ages. Despite what some might tell you, masturbation is not harmless. If you are trying to overcome masturbation, be assured that it is possible (even though, like any habit, it may take some work). If you are determined to do it, you will be able to. This page will give you some tips that can help you along the way.

Determination is the first step. That is where we begin. You must decide that you will end this practice, and when you make that decision, the problem will be greatly reduced at once.

But it must be more than a hope or a wish, more than knowing that it is good for you. It must be actually a DECISION. If you truly make up your mind you will have the strength to resist temptations which will come to you.

After you have made this decision, then observe the following specific guidelines:

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom.

2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company, especially when you are feeling particularly weak.

3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don’t suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

4. After you bathe, don’t admire yourself in the mirror. Stay in the shower just long enough to clean yourself. Then dry off and GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.

5. When in bed (especially if that is where you masturbate), wear pajamas or other clothes so that you cannot easily touch yourself (and so that it would be difficult to remove those clothes. The time it takes to remove your clothing gives additional time to controll your thinking and overcome the temptation).

6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED! Go into the kitchen and make a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.

7. Never look at pornography on the internet or elsewhere. Never read about your problem (even on sites claiming to be “educational”). Keep it out of mind. Remember — “First a thought, then an act.” The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.

8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books, scriptures, talks of church leaders. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels — Matthew, Mark, Luke and John — above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.

9. Pray. But when you pray, don’t pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for members of your family who need help. Pray for your friends, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVEN IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT of your mind! The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect on how easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it.

  1. March 2nd, 2008 at 22:52
    Reply | Quote | #1

    *beats off while reading this instruction manual*

  2. March 3rd, 2008 at 03:25
    Reply | Quote | #2

    I can assure you that not only does this sound like tripe but it is in fact tripe. None of it ever worked for me and they refused to give my money back.

    What truly works: telling all those little voices to STFU while you carry-on being human.

  3. March 3rd, 2008 at 09:36
    Reply | Quote | #3

    This is hilarious. And Sadening.

    It’s hilarious because the morons think that you can stop something just by not thinking about it.

    It’s sadening because the morons are trying to stop human “nature/nurture” (I dub thee “narture”)…

  4. Mr. Spanky
    March 3rd, 2008 at 12:15
    Reply | Quote | #4

    Fuck, all this talk of masturbation just makes me want to…
    uh oh, I have to clean up. I’ll update this later.
    xxx

  5. Bob
    March 4th, 2008 at 06:50
    Reply | Quote | #5

    I love #6, stop spanking it and become a fat fuck.

  6. Greg
    March 4th, 2008 at 13:59
    Reply | Quote | #6

    Yeah, looking at #6, no wonder the deep south is so fucking fat.

  7. March 5th, 2008 at 19:52
    Reply | Quote | #7

    I can’t even imagine how exciting masturbation must be for people who think it’s this wrong!

  8. Becky Campbell
    March 12th, 2008 at 02:24
    Reply | Quote | #8

    Some people are actually trying to stop. To them it is bad, give them a break, it’s not like they are forcing this on you.

    Idiots, all of you.

  9. March 12th, 2008 at 16:45
    Reply | Quote | #9

    No, they’re not forcing it on me, but they’re making people think they’re doing something wrong when they aren’t.

  10. Arminius
    March 30th, 2008 at 16:51

    The religions – most of them, anyway, and Roman Catholicism in particular, for sure – are hostile to life-enhancing pursuits – that is why they have got so many (truly regrettable) perverts in their ranks.

    Religioners want to talk you into needing it; fact is you do not. Not art all. Amen, so-to-speak.
    Arminius, Germany

  11. BVZ
    May 23rd, 2008 at 05:47

    4. After you bathe, don’t admire yourself in the mirror.

    WUT?

  12. Liz
    September 29th, 2008 at 18:25

    [laughs at #6]

    um, so are you supposed to go into the room with another person in it before or AFTER dressing yourself?

    ‘Cause if it’s before, you might have a different problem on your hands…

  13. mns
    December 28th, 2010 at 03:54

    matsurbation sux!!!!!it leads 2 so mny prbs!!!!sexual !!!!physical!!!!!!!mental!!!!!fatigue!!!!blurrd vision!!!!!!pains!!!!!!guilt!!!!!its the devil indeeed !!!!!stay away frm it n u wll be lucky enuf!!!!!i had this addiction n this my life hell!!!!but nw i hav lft it!!!!!

    • Ben
      December 28th, 2010 at 12:32

      Hahaha. Idiot.

  14. josh
    December 30th, 2012 at 11:01

    i still never understand the truth. the best thing is to learn from someone who has gone thru this in puberty. if you ask people who have passed puberty and can avoid all of this it will be pointless. unless they speak using the word of GOD in the RIGHT WAY. and not quoting to their satisfaction. just keep searching and praying. dont listen to what ONE person says. whether against or for. may GOD help us all in puberty in JESUS CHRIST’S NAME