idiots

“Facts” about May 21, 2011

“Facts” about May 21, 2011

FACTS about May 21, 2011

AT THIS TIME IN HISTORY THERE IS NO VALID, BIBLICAL EVIDENCE OR AUTHORITY WHICH INDICATES THAT WE CANNOT KNOW THE PRECISE DAY OF JUDGMENT. THE GREAT AMOUNT OF BIBLICAL SIGNS AND PROOFS ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE THAT JUDGMENT DAY WILL BEGIN ON MAY 21st THIS YEAR.

 

Who or What is Family Radio?

Family Stations, Inc. is a non-profit, non-commercial, Christian radio network. It was established in 1958 with one FM station in the San Francisco bay area. Mr. Camping along with two other Christian men purchased KEAR with the sole intent of proclaiming the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Today there are sixty-six owned and operated radio stations throughout the U.S.

Along with these domestic stations Family Stations also broadcasts its programming from numerous international broadcast facilities throughout the world.

 

Who is Harold Camping?

Harold Camping is the President and General Manager of Family Stations, Inc. He graduated from UC Berkeley in 1942 with a degree in civil engineering. Mr. Camping has been a full-time volunteer since Family Radio’s infancy and has never received compensation for his service.

 

What Qualifies Mr. Camping to make the pronouncement of May 21, 2011?

Mr. Camping has been a tireless student of the Bible for over five decades. The tens of thousands of hours he has spent analyzing the Bible has given him a unique perspective of the entirety of Scripture. He has dedicated his life to prepare himself to answer questions raised concerning God’s Word to man.

 

What is the Open Forum program?

What began approximately fifty years ago as simply an informational program for local bay area listeners, blossomed into what is known today as the Open Forum.

The Open Forum program airs Monday through Friday evenings by radio, shortwave, and the Internet. It is an anonymous call-in program designed to allow anyone to ask any question related to the Bible.

 

How can Family Radio be so bold as to declare a date for Christ’s return?

Given the overwhelming biblical evidence, the Family Stations, Inc. Board of Directors made a determination to dedicate all available resources to proclaim the warning of May 21, 2011. God has prepared Family Radio for this important time in history. Given the population of the world, radio and the internet are the perfect vehicles to deliver this warning.

 

What proof is there for the date of May 21, 2011?

The date May 21, 2011 was derived solely from evidence found in the Bible. Mr. Camping saw God had placed, in Scripture, many important signs and proofs. These proofs alert believers that May 21st of 2011 is the date Christ will return for His people and begin a period of the final destruction of the world.

 

What signs precede the Day of Judgment?

Jesus warned of several spiritual signs, such as the complete degradation of the Christian church, the devastating moral breakdown of society, the re-establishment of National Israel in1948, the emergence of the ‘Gay Pride Movement’, and the complete disregard of the Bible in all of society today as direct evidence of His return.

 

What is the Timeline of History?

The timeline of history is God’s predetermined timetable for the unfolding of God’s Gospel program for this world. In other words the length of time between the day God created this world in 11,013 B.C. and the day he will destroy it in October 21, 2011.

The discovery of this information built the foundation for what God would later reveal from the Bible as the date for the end.

Judgment Day on May 21, 2011 is the culmination of five decades of intensive biblical study by Mr. Camping and other bible teachers who have discovered the same biblical data.

 

What do past Biblical events have to do with today?

The precision with which God marked time in the past shows how precisely He keeps time and orders all the events of man.

God uses such phrases in the Bible as “in the fullness of time”, or “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”

God declares in the Bible that “He hath determined the times before appointed, and the bounds of their habitation”

Just as all Biblical events took place exactly as God determined, so too will all future events take place as He has planned.

God knew before He created this world the exact day He would destroy it, the question is whether God reveals His plan to others.

 

Does God reveal his plan?

Yes! All true believers throughout the world are part of Christ’s family and therefore they not only belong to Jesus Christ, but they are one with Him as well.

Jesus calls His people His “friends” and “His beloved”

Jesus tells His “beloved” what He and His Father will do before They do it. Only, true believers are given spiritual eyesight to see and understand that they may be ready and prepared for the day of Christ’s return.

All those who are not “born again” do not possess the spiritual eyesight to see this evidence. Sadly, Christ will come upon them as a “thief in the night”.

Jesus speaks to his people through the pages of His word, the Bible.

His Spirit guides them “into all truth.”

“Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.

God is the guardian of His secrets contained in the Bible and only He determines when or if His secrets are revealed. The Holy Spirit reveals to Christ’s people the information needful for them not only to be ready, but also to warn the world, Christ is returning.

Armed with the vital information needed to know the day of Christ’s return all true believers, as servants of God, are commanded to declare what Christ’s Spirit has revealed. They must “blow the trumpet” and warn the world, Judgment is coming.

 

Can all of mankind understand that Judgment Day is coming?

Just as wise men of old sought to see the young Jesus, so too will the wise of today seek Christ before the end. “a wise man’s heart (one who is born again) discerneth both time and judgment.”

God promises His people they will be like Noah who was aware and ready for the day when the floodwaters of destruction came upon this earth.

 

What will take place on May 21?

On May 21, 2011 two events will occur. These events could not be more opposite in nature, the one more wonderful than can be imagined; the other more horrific than can be imagined.

A great earthquake will occur the Bible describes it as “such as was not since men were upon the earth, so mighty an earthquake, and so great.” This earthquake will be so powerful it will throw open all graves. The remains of the all the believers who have ever lived will be instantly transformed into glorified spiritual bodies to be forever with God.

 

On the other hand the bodies of all unsaved people will be thrown out upon the ground to be shamed.

The inhabitants who survive this terrible earthquake will exist in a world of horror and chaos beyond description. Each day people will die until October 21, 2011 when God will completely destroy this earth and its surviving inhabitants.

 

What is Family Radio specifically doing to warn the World?

Family Stations, Inc. broadcasts internationally in more than sixty-one different languages. Its programming can also be seen and heard worldwide on the Internet. Numerous billboards have been placed throughout the world warning of Judgment Day. While teams of volunteers carry literature concerning May 21 to many foreign countries. On top of this teams of RV caravans have been sent throughout the US to deliver this great message.

 

Why RV Caravans?

In September of 2010 Family Radio developed a plan to send out teams of caravans consisting of recreational vehicles. The caravans travel into towns and cities across the United States warning of Judgment Day, May 21, 2011. Each member of the caravan project is a volunteer, who has dedicated his or her life to warn the people of the U.S. and boldly proclaim this very important message.

 

Is Family Radio the only group declaring this message?

No! There are many other groups and individuals, sending out the warning of May 21, 2011. A growing groundswell of individuals and groups have become convicted of this message on each continent and are working hard to warn their neighbors, cities and countries.

 

Why Billboards?

Billboards have proven to be very effective. They are being placed in many U.S., Canadian and foreign cities, not only by Family Radio, but other organizations and individuals as well. Presently there are over 2000 billboards, posters, and bus posters throughout the world, with many going up weekly. The billboard messages are simple, and designed to clearly communicate the same message, Judgment Day May 21, 2011.

 

What are the listeners of Family Radio doing to prepare for that day?

Jesus gave explicit commands to His people as to how they are to behave until he returns. Jesus said “Go ye and teach all nations…” He also said to “occupy until I come.” Believers who believe Christ will return on May 21 are commanded to warn the world and encourage concerned people to pray for God’s mercy.

 

Will there be some sort of “gathering” before May 21, 2011?

No. This message is proclaimed to individuals not to specific groups, religions or nations. Family Radio is not a church or religion.

Each person must be “born again” in order to be ready for Christ’s return and be ready to be “caught up” wherever they live in this world.

Jesus said in Matthew 24:40-41 “Then shall two be in the field: the one shall be taken, and the other left. Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left”

 

What if May 21 ends and nothing occurs?

The Biblical evidence is too overwhelming and specific to be wrong. Christ’s people can look with great confidence to this date because God promises His “beloved” He will not come upon them as a thief in the night.

God in His mercy has revealed the vital information needed to know the day. Judgment Day on May 21, 2011 will occur because the bible declares it. Anyone whom God has not saved will arrive at that day with no hope for salvation. God warns simply the “door will be shut.”

 

What should a person do when he or she hears this message?

Cry out to God for mercy and fully recognize you are a sinner. One must approach God with a broken and contrite attitude, because after all every human being, without exception, is guilty before God.

Only God decides whom He will save and it is only Christ’s ‘gift’ of salvation that can save one from destruction and the terrible events coming upon this world on May 21, 2011.

 

What do we say to all those who say Jesus will come as a thief in the night?

The Bible speaks of two kinds of people in the world. Those within God’s kingdom he calls his “beloved.” The other, much larger portion of the human race, God describes as those “without” or outside the kingdom of God.

Those “without” will say at the end of time “Peace and safety” These people will mistakenly believe all is well. But God warns, “then sudden destruction cometh upon them…”

The fact so many church leaders are insisting Christ will come as a “thief in the night” (that is, no one can know the day or the hour) is another very important Biblical ‘sign’ Christ’s return is very close. Far too many people mistakenly presume they are at “Peace” with God and therefore in “safety.

Sadly, many assume no human being can know, because they mistakenly believe even Jesus himself does not know the day or hour of His own return.

The belief Christ will come “as a thief in the night” for everyone, including Christ’s people, is the foundational basis for which most Christians, including church leaders and pastors reject May 21, 2011.

However, God has written in His Word he will tell his people exactly what he plans before he brings it to pass:

“Surely the LORD GOD will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets.”

God’s “beloved” people are not in darkness that that day would come upon them as a thief in the night. God graciously has written in I Thessalonians 5 verse 4

“But ye, brethren, are not in darkness, that that day should overtake you as a thief.”


What about all those in the past who predicted Jesus would come in their day?

Many religious groups and individuals throughout history have predicted Jesus’ return, but they were always wrong. No theologian, no matter how learned or intelligent, could know the day because God had not revealed it. The scriptural evidence needed to know the exact day could not be known before 1988, the year the ‘Church age’ ended. The Bible indicates prior to this year that date could not be known.

Many Church leaders of the past looked at political as well as natural events to prove their predictions and they were repeatedly wrong.

God is the guardian of His secrets. The words needed to know the time of the end are closed up and sealed till the time of the end”

Only Christ Jesus, the “Lamb,” is able to unseal the Bible, and reveal what is needful to know the day and the hour of His return.

 

Didn’t Harold Camping say that the world would end in 1994?

In 1992 Mr. Camping wrote a book entitled 1994? In that book Mr. Camping highlighted the abundant evidence pointing to 1994 as a probable year of Christ’s return. Given the abundance of information pointing 1994 and the urgency of time, the book 1994? was written. Mr. Camping felt as a teacher, he must share the Biblical information he had found and warn the world.

Important subsequent biblical information was not yet known, so this book was incomplete. Mr. Camping warned there may be something he overlooked therefore the question mark was prominently placed on the title.

Mr. Camping wrote on pages 494 and 495 of the book 1994? he believed 2011 was the most probable year of Christ’s second coming. Given the fact 2011 is the 7000 year anniversary of the flood, but he misunderstood Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 24 verse 22 “except those days should be shortened”

At the time Mr. Camping concluded the period of “great tribulation” would be shortened from twenty three years, as the Bible teaches, to 2300 evening mornings or six and one third years. .

Mr. Camping wrote in 1994?:

“God appears to be declaring that this final tribulation period should be a certain length of time. If it were that length of time, it seems it would fit perfectly with God’s plan of 7000 years. Judgment Day would be 2011 A.D.

But for the sake of the elect those day will be shortened.”

 

Why is there no question now?

In the nineteen years since 1994? Was written the biblical evidence for 2011 has greatly solidified. Today there is no longer any question, May 21, 2011 is the day in which Jesus Christ will return.

 

What do you say to those who insist we cannot know the precise date of Judgment Day?

For one to object to May 21st, 2011 one must have BIBLICAL AUTHORITY to do so. Objections cannot be based upon consensus, traditions or fear. God has given far too many biblical proofs for anyone to disregard May 21 simply because he or she does not like it.

 

The Bible has led us to May 21, 2011

This date is not the product of the mind of one man or a group of men.

It is the culmination of study of the entire Bible, both the Old and New Testaments.

Every word written in the original Biblical “autographs” were dictated by God, therefore all words, numbers and sentences in these original writings are to be trusted as coming from God.

The fact that this date is the result of the synthesis of all of Scripture causes May 21st, 2011 to take on very sobering factuality. It is no longer opinion, but a matter of fact.

May 21, 2011 is God’s date. All other predictions are man’s attempt to predict the end. So it becomes a matter of eternal life, or eternal death. One can no longer presume May 21st of this year will be just another normal day.

Each person must come to entrust their lives to what God has written in His Word the Bible and plead to Him for mercy. Otherwise God will come upon them with unmerciful vengeance on May 21, 2011.

Easter heavy metal gig planned for Northcote venue in sin bin

Easter heavy metal gig planned for Northcote venue in sin bin

THE Baillieu Government will move to ban a bad-taste concert being staged on one of the most sacred days of the Christian year.

Easter Mass 11, featuring Christian-hating heavy metal bands, has been planned for a Northcote venue on Good Friday, mocking the day’s religious significance.

It would be headlined by Sydney shock group Jesus Christ – a tribute act to deceased US punk rocker GG Allin, who typically defecated and urinated on stage, rolled in faeces, consumed excrement and committed self-harm.

An online advertisement for the event says: “On this, the most important day on the Christian calendar, the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ will be destroying himself not for your sins, but for your pure entertainment.

“Performing communion at the mass service will be … Reverend Hackxwhore, Pastor Jigsaw Torture and Father Drongo.”

But Consumer Affairs Minister Michael O’Brien said the State Government would move to ban the event under liquor laws covering offensive images and religious vilification.

“I have asked the director of Liquor Licensing to look into whether this tasteless and moronic promotion complies with the Liquor Control Reform Act,” Mr O’Brien said.

A barbecue and meat tray offer is to be held at the gig on Good Friday – a strictly meat-free day for Catholics and some other Christians, but a religious holiday observed by all Christian faiths to commemorate the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.

Religious groups are expected to picket the April 22 event at Northcote bar 303 if it goes ahead. Anglican Archdeacon Andrew Oddy said the gig insulted people’s faith.

“The timing of the event is utterly insensitive and to have it on Good Friday is simply designed to cause offence,” he said.

Performer “Carcass” Butcher said the concert was “just a bit of harmless fun”.

The Brumby government unsuccessfully attempted to shut down a controversial Mother’s Day kickboxing tournament, called Mother’s Day Mayhem, in 2009.

Texas Goes Full Retard

Texas Bill Would Outlaw Discrimination Against Creationists

Unlike many other states, Texas does not banĀ  workplace discrimination based on gender identity, sexual orientation, or marital status. But don’t be alarmed; the Lone Star State is working on that whole civil liberties thing. Last week, Republican State Rep. Bill Zedler introduced HB 2454, a bill that would establish new workplace protections for proponents of intelligent design. Here’s the key part:

An institution of higher education may not discriminate against or penalize in any manner, especially with regard to employment or academic support, a faculty member or student based on the faculty member’s or student’s conduct of research relating to the theory of intelligent design or other alternate theories of the origination and development of organisms.

And you thought Berkeley was crazy. On the upside, maybe the University of Texas will be able to help a few of the folks who are falling through Texas’ fraying social safety net. Out of a job? Come up with an elaborate theory about how a flying spaghetti monster created the universe. A tenured professorship awaits.

How to Be a Fundamentalist

How to Be a Fundamentalist

Introduction

So you want to be a Fundamentalist. It’s not easy, you know: you’ll have to impose the stiffest constraints on your mind, accepting authority without question — you will be subject to jeers and persecutions at the hands of the Spawn of Satan, and you will suffer during your entire lifetime trying to throw pearls before the swine. But in the end, you will receive your reward from the Almighty in Heaven, and you will have the satisfaction of seeing all others being tossed into the Lake of Fire. But enough of that; you’re not there yet. You must first prove yourself worthy of being a Fundamentalist.

Lesson One: Developing Your Psyche

Right now I would like you to relax. That’s it — just sit quietly and let your mind go blank. Concentrate on one thing and one thing only: concentrate on your thumb. Now that thumb is no ordinary run-of-the-mill thumb: what you see is THE THUMB. That Thumb is your world. Nothing besides that Thumb concerns you in the least. As far as you are concerned, that Thumb rules over all. The only thing that should be in your mind right now is your Thumb and its absolute authority over your life. Each and every line, ridge, wrinkle, and bit of cuticle is a Divine Mandate, eternal in its wisdom, power, and relevance. That Thumb was made by GOD, and its sole purpose is to guide you to your Salvation.Now, while still concentrating on that Thumb, begin to think about the world around you. Careful! Don’t try to take in everything at once: start with the rest of your fingers, and slowly spread from there. See how your fingers are connected with and dominated by your Thumb. Now, slowly extend your perception to embrace the entire world and everyone in it. The whole world and everyone in it was created by God, and it is all guided by the Thumb.

Pay no attention that there are a lot of thumbs in the world. Your Thumb is THE HOLY THUMB, and was especially given to you by God so that you can use it to guide your life and the lives of others. Remember this: the thumbs of other people are not fit to guide their lives. Those thumbs are heathen thumbs, and those who live by them are Spawn of Satan and are an insult to the One and Only True God who created your Almighty Thumb just for you.

Now let me ask you this: do you feel superior to the Spawn of Satan? Do you feel obligated to show them the light by running their lives for them through the Divine inspiration of your Thumb? Do you have absolute and utter faith in the inviolable authority invested by God in your Thumb? If you answered “yes” to all of these questions, then you are ready to go on to Lesson Two.

Lesson Two: Establishing Your Doctrine

Congratulations! You’ve come a long way, but you’re not there yet. What I want you to do now is to go to the nearest Christian book store and purchase a copy of the Bible. Preferably, it should be bound in nice, shiny black leather, and should have gilt edges and a red silk ribbon. It should of course be the King James Bible, which is the only Bible written in the true tongue of God (remember: all other versions are Satanic attempts to pervert the True Word of the Lord). It should be fairly hefty in size, but not so large that you cannot hold it with one hand. Finally, it should have the words of Jesus in red letters, for as you know the Son of God only spoke using red letters.Now that you have your Bible, read it, and read it thoroughly. I imagine that some of it will fit in perfectly with your beliefs and morals, since you have been inspired by God to attempt this indoctrination into Fundamentalism. Remember that the more strict and conservative your beliefs, the better: it’s difficult to keep your mind shut to new ideas, but to be a Fundamentalist you must keep your mind clean and unsullied by ideas which could threaten your beliefs. You must remember that your beliefs are the ONLY right beliefs, and all others are falsehoods and are totally incompatible with God’s Divine Truth.

Now you may be dismayed as you read through the Bible to find that much of it is outside your beliefs, or may even contradict them. No problem! All you have to do is take a black marker pen and blot out those verses which you don’t like. Simplicity itself! Now don’t you worry if it seems that more of the Bible is blacked out than left behind: just remind yourself that the remaining verses are emphasized all the more.

Remember that the Bible represents YOUR doctrine, and is the Divine statement of your beliefs. It wouldn’t do for it to say something which contradicted your beliefs. That would be silly! Besides, nobody is actually going to see INSIDE your Bible. You can wave it in front of people, quote from it, shove it under their noses, hit it with your fist, and even use it as a weapon, but for Heaven’s sake don’t let anyone READ it!

Now that your doctrine has been established, I would like for you to repeat Lesson One, substituting “Bible” for “Thumb.”

Have you done it?

No fair cheating!

Now: do you believe that your Bible is the utter, absolute, and inviolable law of the universe, coming to you directly from God, and that it is your Divine mission to live by your Bible and to feel superior to those fools who don’t listen to you and who are guaranteed to burn in Hell?

Yes?

Congratulations! You are now officially a Fundamentalist!

Lesson Three: Living a Fundamentalist Lifestyle

Well, I’m sure that you novices are simply bursting with questions on how to apply your new-found faith to your lives. I am pleased by your enthusiasm: such zeal is a necessity if you want to begin to work your influence on this filthy and sinful world and mold it into a clean and upright one. Those Spawn of Satan are simply itching to be preached at, whether they want it or not, so let’s get cracking and Save those Souls (even though they don’t deserve it)!First of all, let’s work on personal appearance: to be moral and upright you must look the part. If you’re a man, you must keep your hair short and well-groomed, your face clean-shaven (a beard or moustache is acceptable ONLY if it is IMMACULATELY trimmed), your teeth clean and white, your breath minty-fresh, and your wardrobe strict and unassuming: slacks, tie, and white shirt (preferably long-sleeved so you can roll them up while witnessing) are the clothes of a God-fearing man, and NOTHING else. If you’re a woman, you must keep your hair neat and pinned up, your face only slightly made up (only heathens paint their faces), your figure neat and trim (a too-full figure is a dead giveaway for a shameless slut of Satan), and your wardrobe moral and proper: a dress (preferably dark or neutral colored, no plunging lines) is the ONLY proper garment for a God-fearing woman.

I imagine that you’re ready to ask me “Now that I know how to dress, how do I act?” That is a very good question to ask, and a somewhat difficult one to answer. Essentially you must follow your Doctrine which is in the Bible, but not TOO closely. You are the wielder of the Almighty Bible, and because of that you are ALREADY Saved, and are concerned more with the conduct of others so that they may also be Saved.

Let’s get into some concrete examples. Playboy is a magazine of Satan, and anyone who reads it is in danger of Damnation — anyone, that is, except you. For you know the ways of Satan, and are familiar with his traps, and you are always vigilant against his foul schemes, and thus you must scan his works constantly so that you may point out their atrocity to others. The same principle also applies to X-rated films, dancing halls, taverns, and brothels. [Note: this applies only to men. Women must stay home and support their husbands, and under no circumstances are they allowed to rest their innocent gaze upon profane situations (unless they happen to be checking up on their neighbors in the name of God and decency).]

Now we get to raising a family. You of course know that you are to raise your children properly and morally, and thus they must never be exposed to anything which is the product of Satan, including comic books (unless they are CHRISTIAN comic books), TV programs (unless they are CHRISTIAN TV programs), heavy metal rock music (there is NO such thing as CHRISTIAN heavy metal rock music), evolution (which is possibly the deepest imaginable insult to the intelligence of God), sex education (you can teach them about moral behavior yourself and at the same time protect their innocent yet corruptible ears from any mention of s-e-x), globalism (God wants us to DESTROY Communism, not cooperate with it), and equal rights (if God had wanted us to be equal, He would never have created women). As for religious education, I am sure you realize that women and children cannot properly develop their own religious faith — it must be given to them from a higher source: their husbands and parents.

Now we get to the gist of your faith and the justification for your life: the teaching and conversion of others (through guiding their lives for them). It is absolutely essential that you remember from Lesson One that only YOU are fit to guide your life AND the lives of others. All other people cannot in their ignorance of The Way live their own lives properly unless they can see the Light and receive the Salvation of God and Jesus which ONLY YOU may bring to them. Your Way is THE WAY, and all other paths lead to Satan and eternal Damnation, and it is YOUR Duty to show The Way to others so that they may enter (behind you) into Heaven.

Let’s look again at a concrete example: art and literature. Only YOU can say what is moral and upstanding in art and literature and what is not. Any work of “art” or “literature” which you feel is profane, blasphemous, or otherwise immoral is instantly the product of Satan and it is YOUR responsibility to make sure that its ugly blot upon the moral fibre of the Wonderful God-fearing Land of the Free is wiped out utterly so that our Glorious Nation may Shine Out as a Star of Righteousness amidst the Black Cloud of Satanic Communist Corruption which Blankets the World.

Well! Your heart must simply be bursting with Pride, Patriotism, and Love for God right now! And I’d bet that right now you’d rally behind a Leader who believes in the same things that you do. You guessed it: your next step is to find a religious Leader whose beliefs are YOUR beliefs, and who knows that YOUR way is HIS Way and that YOUR Way is THE Way to Salvation. Once you get behind that Leader, life becomes simpler. He knows YOUR beliefs, and thus if you ever feel any doubts about how to run your life, HE can make your decisions for you. All you have to do to insure your fidelity to him and to God is to follow him without question, and to give him as much money as you can so that he may bring the Way of the Lord to everyone in the World.

Remember that Fundamentalists have to stick together and rally under a Leader, for in numbers is Power, and in Power is the ability to change the World for the better. So remember that though YOU are the instrument of God through the guidance of your Bible, you also have the responsibility to make sure that your influence is felt, and the best way to do that is to join up with those who have CLOUT, so you can fulfill your wildest dreams: ban books and movies, ban abortion, enforce prayer in school, establish a national religion, create a national moral and dress code, and more! With the proper Leader, all this can be in your grasp.

Well now, I’d say that you’re just about ready to go out into the world and begin your career as a Fundamentalist. But not quite yet: you must first prepare yourself to face the opposition.

Lesson Four: How to Overcome the Spawn of Satan

As you preach The Way to others, you will inevitably run into those who not only doubt the veracity of your words, but who also pose trick arguments inspired by Satan in an attempt to trap and discredit you. This lesson deals with some of the major swords wielded by various tempters, and gives you some ideas on how to parry those weapons.Biblical scholars: these vermin use their high-falootin’ technical jargon and book-learning to pervert the words of the Lord and read things into the Bible which aren’t there. The Bible was written by God for YOU to use, and contains EVERYTHING you need to know for Salvation, plainly stated in black and white and red. There is nothing archaic or mystical about it: it speaks out in the Words of the Lord and speaks directly to YOU.

If the scholars say that the Bible evolved (note the use of heretical words) over a period of millennia, changing and altering from one translation to another, you can reply that the WORD OF GOD TO MAN is immutable, and speaks out exactly the same way today as it did to Moses. If they say that the historical and cultural context was completely different then, you can reply that MAN IS MAN and has not changed his sinful ways since Adam. If they say that you completely misunderstand the situations behind the composition of the Bible, you can reply that THEY completely misunderstand the situations behind the composition of the Bible. And if they say that they can prove their point because of years of scholarly and scientific research studying the Bible and its history, you can reply that the only true scholarship is FAITH and TRUST in the WORD of the LORD.

Scientists: these unfortunate heathen have strayed from the path to Heaven, ensnared by the trickeries of Satan, believing in them utterly. As a result, they cannot accept the eternal Truth contained in the Bible. You must tell them that God is perfect, and the Word of God is therefore perfect, and cannot contain falsehood. Therefore anything which is in your Bible is the absolute Truth.

If the scientists say that they have amassed countless evidence to support their atheistic theories, you can reply that their evidence was given to them by Satan to trick them into disbelieving in God. If they say that the processes which shaped the Earth can still be seen happening right now, you can reply that Satan is still working right now to deceive those who cannot comprehend the Truth which is in your Bible. And if they say that the Bible is not completely factual, but is rather mythical in many places, you can reply that they simply do not understand that God speaks not in mysterious ways, but speaks directly to Man through your Bible, and speaks not in riddles or symbols, but only speaks the absolute and utter Truth.

If other Spawn of Satan say that the Bible cannot speak the utter Truth because it is inconsistent in what it says, you can reply that there is no inconsistency in your Bible: everything that you have in your Bible perfectly supports your beliefs (remember Lesson Two). If they quote passages from the Bible which they claim contradict your beliefs, you can reply that Satan has inspired them to pervert the words of the Lord and to twist their meaning around in order to try to subvert the Truth. If they say that you are being totally ignorant and irrational in your absolute belief in your Doctrine, you can reply that they are being totally ignorant and irrational in their absolute refusal to believe in your Doctrine. And if they say that you are shutting your eyes to reality, you can reply that they are shutting their eyes to God.

There now! Isn’t that easy?

All you have to do to counter their arguments is to turn their arguments against them. In fact, you should easily be able to defeat the arguments of a wide variety of heretics, such as Theologists, Democrats, Liberals, Peaceniks, Environmentalists, and Humanists. And you don’t need a fancy scientific vocabulary to do it! If you keep your mind on the straight and narrow path, God (and/or your Leader) will do your thinking for you. And if things turn against you, all you have to do is proclaim the Truth even louder, letting your Zeal and Faith drown out all unbelievers, and causing the weakened opposition to crumble under the force of your Inspiration.

That’s about all that I have to give to you. I hope that these lessons were informative and helpful toward your long and difficult quest toward Fundamental Salvation. From now on, it’s up to you (and your Leader) to show The Way which leads you and your flock to Eternal Life.

May God bless you, and give you the Power to glorify His works in preparation for His Coming. Amen.