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George Carlin Dead at 71

This is a real shame, he was a great comedian and outspoken critic of religion.

Comedian George Carlin dies at 71

 SANTA MONICA, Calif. – A publicist for George Carlin says the legendary comedian has died of heart failure at a hospital in Santa Monica, Calif.

Jeff Abraham says Carlin went into St. John’s Hospital on Sunday afternoon, complaining of chest pain. Carlin died at 5:55 p.m. PDT. He was 71.

The dean of counterculture comedians, Carlin constantly pushed the envelop with his jokes, particularly with a routine called “The Seven Words You Can Never Say On TV.”

When Carlin uttered all seven at a show in Milwaukee in 1972, he was arrested for disturbing the peace. And when they were played on a New York radio station, they resulted in a Supreme Court ruling in 1978 upholding the government’s authority to sanction stations for broadcasting offensive language.

For those not very familiar with him (as if), here’s a bit he did about praying to god.

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci. Two reasons; first of all, I think he’s a good actor. Okay. To me, that counts. Second; he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn’t fuck around. Doesn’t fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog. Joe Pesci straightened that cock-sucker out with one visit.

I noticed that of all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers that I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50 percent rate. Half the time I get what I want. Half the time I don’t. Same as God 50-50. Same as the four leaf clover, the horse shoe, the rabbit’s foot, and the wishing well. Same as the mojo man. Same as the voodoo lady who tells your fortune by squeezing the goat’s testicles. It’s all the same; 50-50. So just pick your superstitions, sit back, make a wish and enjoy yourself.

And for those of you that look to the Bible for it’s literary qualities and moral lessons; I got a couple other stories I might like to recommend for you. You might enjoy The Three Little Pigs. That’s a good one. It has a nice happy ending. Then there’s Little Red Riding Hood. Although it does have that one X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn’t care for, by the way. And finally, I’ve always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I liked best: “and all the king’s horses, and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again.” That’s because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None. Not one. Never was. No God.

Jack the Bible Ripper Suspended

 I spoke too soon, seems the school has suspended the heinous Bible ripping student for his atrocities against Zombie Jesus.

Bible incident draws concerns

  — A Parker High School student tore pages from a Bible in class earlier this month, raising constitutional and ethical issues for school officials and his classmates.

Some students were upset, while others rallied to the cause of free speech.

The student was suspended, his mother said. She was told he couldn’t return to school until he had undergone a psychological evaluation. He was out of school for a week.

“They wanted to make sure he was safe,” the mother said, but she believes he was never a threat to anyone.

In the wake of the suspension, three students wore T-shirts with words supporting the student’s free speech rights.

Parker officials had the three remove the shirts because they could have caused a disruption, said Principal Dale Carlson.

One student set up an Internet conversation site to discuss the incident, and according to postings on that site, the T-shirts read: “So long as a man thinks, he is free,” “Bring (the student’s name) back” and “Those who mind do not matter, and those who matter do not mind.”

Carlson said the plea to bring the student back was the objectionable part of the T-shirts’ message.

Officials believed it was likely that the shirts’ reference to the Bible incident would have caused a disruption “with other students that were involved in this incident,” Carlson said.